DON'T FORGET TO LAUGH

Mary Kay and Avon sales ladies may as well turn around before heading into historic Davidson. The board just passed an ordinance that prohibits the wearing of make-up in public within the town limits.

In a close vote of 83-74, the town board passed the new rule which forbids: “The use of cosmetics to cover and, or conceal one’s natural appearance.”

I spoke with Ms. U.B. Purdy, the powerhouse behind this movement. “It was the blankety blank make-overs. I just couldn’t take them anymore. Women are bombarded daily with “Before” images of women looking plain and miserable then “After” photos looking elated because they have make-up caked on. The message here is simple – we aren’t good enough as the Flying Spaghetti Monster created us. Think of what this is doing to our collective self-esteem. ”

She continued, “To tell the truth, in most cases the “before” picture looks like a nice person I would like to get to know over lunch. In the “after” picture, she looks like a stuck-up bitch who is after my husband.”

Ms. Purdy says she knows there will be a backlash about government interference and individual rights. But armed with tear gas, rubber bullets, and make-up remover, she is prepared.

“Folks need to remember this town was founded by Quakers back in 1680. It was simply understood that natural was the most beautiful way to be. Over time, some of the young-uns started experimenting behind their parents’ backs. First it was some lipstick with a group of friends, then they would move on to the heavy stuff like eyebrow pencils and eyeliner.”

“Soon, the loud make-up was disrupting the Quaker’s special quiet time. Being peaceful people, the Quakers showed their disapproval of those wearing make-up by giving them the ol’ silent treatment during meeting. But obviously, no one noticed. So, the use of cosmetics spread throughout the community,” explained Ms. Purdy.

To give a period of adjustment, the ordinance will not go into effect until January 1, 2018. This will allow women to gradually reduce their use of foundation, rouge, and eye-shadow. Some were concerned that if all make-up were eliminated immediately, some friends may not recognize each other.

The board admits regulating town visitors will be a difficult issue. Those donning the Tammy Faye-look are free to drive through downtown, as long as they face forward and keep their car windows up. A warning will be given to those stopping to shop in the boutiques or eat in local restaurants.

Since the town understands the risk of skin cancer and the desire to look tan, lotions containing dyes for fake browning are allowed to be applied from May thru August. Clear fingernail polish is permissible, but not encouraged. Hair dye is not included because extreme measures would be required to determine who was breaking the ban.

The one exception to this new ordinance is the actors and actresses in the cast of Davidson Community Player productions. They will be allowed to wear their stage faces out-of-doors to attend after-parties. That is all.

The non-thespians can use their leftover make-up to help others. Habitat for Humanity will gladly accept all donations of unwanted cosmetics. They will be mixed with paints and cements to be used on Habitat Houses, another plus for the community.

Ms. Ima Purdy, says this ordinance is just another step in promoting the healthier, natural lifestyle that our town is known for. She asked me, “What do you call a smoker in Davidson?” When I said I did not know, she replied, “A visitor. Well, except for the 100foot zone around the coffee shop,” she added with a giggle.

Then she just couldn’t resist telling me, “I’ll let you in on a little secret. We wanted to include some fashion limitations. Then we realized colorful outfits provided some relief to the buildings forming the tunnel of taupe near CVS. We were also pondering outlawing stilettos, but the brick sidewalks seem to have done that job for us.” That comment was accompanied with a knee slap and a hoot.

In closing, My Purdy explained that they were encouraging authenticity. “Display those cute freckles. Have you ever seen a seedless watermelon? It just doesn’t look right without those shiny black seeds. Don’t try to hide those laugh lines. Flaunt them as a tribute to a life well lived. Just because we want to be a model town doesn’t mean we want to look like models.”

Ms. Purdy is quite sure we will all be happier once we get used to the naked faces. When that day comes, she intends to propose her new idea: naked bodies. “Won’t it be great? We can go streaking every day.”

Davidson as a nudist colony. Shedding our inhibitions and our clothes. Think about it.