DON'T FORGET TO LAUGH

Is this not the best headline EVER? I presume this is newsworthy because lucky Ms. Diaz actually got 8 hours of solid sleep. I love it because it gives me hope that one day there will be a similar headline about me, “Carol Depp slept nine straight hours.”

How did Ms. Diaz manage this incredible feat? Did she soak in a warm bath while sipping Chamomile tea before slumber? Were there sheep counted?

Will I sleep with you? (Husband Johnny won’t mind). YES, that is, IF you can guarantee total satisfaction. (I don’t mean sex. I’m tired.) This means an entire night of uninterrupted slumber. Let me be perfectly clear. I want to place my head on the pillow and not wake, even for a nanosecond, before morning.

Getting a good night’s sleep has become my obsession. I spend the day thinking, “Oh, I hope I get some tonight.” And I’m not alone. Friends and I now discuss the details of our nights of insomnia like we used to discuss our infants’ sleep habits, complete with bathroom breaks and feedings in the wee hours. (Ice cream.)

It’s not fair. We play by the slumber rules: exercise, but not too late in the day. No TV or computers an hour before bed. Caffeine is treated like alcohol. Concerned friends ask, “Are you sure you want to drink that iced-tea? It will be your third and it’s after noon. You know you’ll regret it when you can’t sleep tonight.”

Still we don’t sleep. Well, at night. We can nod off at our desks, through movies and meetings, during moments of silence at church, (Quakers must be so well rested), and even at traffic lights. But not in our own beds.

I bought a new mattress, thinking it might help. I love it. It is firm but covered with enough memory foam to be cushy. Night after night, I lie awake for hours appreciating this comfortable bed. I don’t use over the counter sleep aids because they cause brain fog, (It’s already misty enough in there.) But, I have done everything possible to set up a proper sleeping environment. The AC is turned down several degrees for a cool room. And I have complete darkness, except for the International Space Station shining right in my eyes.
To block the light, I tried an eye-mask. It made me dream of Pin-the-tail on the Donkey and smashing a piñata. The result for this sleep walker: a broken bedside lamp and a dog afraid of push pins.

When desperate, I have tried counting backward to drift off, but the ADD gerbils in the brain play paint ball, shooting at random ideas that didn’t deserve my attention during the day. Arrrgg. There is no escape. (I have a friend in Greensboro who goes to ADD meetings. She says they always run long because they can’t stick to the agenda. Really.)

There is one sure cure for my insomnia. A massage. It is quite impossible for me to stay awake while my back is being rubbed. (Yes, I now have to PAY to have another human being to touch me.) Unfortunately, my masseuse rudely wakes me at the end of each session just because another client needs the table. If I could just get her to move in with me…

In case that doesn’t happen, I’ve researched other options. A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon the world of sleep whisperers. Their official title: Autonomous Sensory Meridian Responders. Now, I don’t know the complicated science behind these videos. But, in layman’s terms, it’s called “being bored to death.” Or in this case, “bored to sleep.”

To those who are unfamiliar, let me explain. These are videos of people whispering, while they do extremely irritating things. The one I watched featured a woman randomly tapping a box, crinkling plastic wrap, and running her fingers through puzzle pieces. All the while, she’s whispering about what she’s doing.

Though I wanted to reach in my monitor and whack her upside the head, there is obviously a need for this service. One whisperer has 16 million hits on Youtube. This is crazy. Boring people are being deprived of conversation because insomniacs are turning to the internet, instead of picking up a phone.

Come on people. You don’t need sleep whisperers to be bored silly. I’m sure you can think of a friend you could call who would be glad to lull you to sleep by giving you the details of their Hello Kitty collection.

If not, call me. Yeah, I know, the phone sex gig didn’t go too well. But, I’m sure I can be a perfectly boring sleep whisperer. I’ve even got some paper I can crinkle in the background. And, you can call me any time of the night. Unless Cameron Diaz reveals her slumber secrets, I’ll probably be up anyway. I just need to remember not to ask what you are wearing.