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Head’s Up: Mother’s Day is Coming

by | May 4, 2018 | Bottom Right Box, Don't Forget To Laugh

Mother’s Day is coming. Remind your mother that a woman’s place is in the kitchen by giving her a new appliance. Tell her, “I love you; now fix me something to eat,” with these gift ideas:

Juice extractors are popular now. For $299.99 (not to be confused with its distant cousin $300.00), you can buy a so-so juicer. But what you really want is the Omega VRT350R Juicer, Vertical Masticating HD. Ooh, I bet your mom would love one of these. Not only does it make juice out of fruit, vegetables, and heavy metals, it also does 0-60 in under three seconds. Hey babe, wanna’ take a ride in my Omega VRT350R? At $539.99, it’s a car payment and more.

If you want a more personal gift idea, nothing says “thanks for giving me life” like a Belgium Waffle Maker. You don’t want just any waffle maker, you want to give Mom one that is “Professional-style.” What distinguishes this from the piece of crap amateurs use? Why, it flips, you fool. Yes, just like the ones you find in hotel lobbies.

Plus, it does make your waffle come out in “four easy to cut sections.” So, put away that chain saw. You can thank Mom for enduring 86 hours of labor pains for just $43.43 (plus $9,999.99 shipping) on Amazon.

If your mother kissed your boo-boos, helped with your homework, and gave you a kidney, she just might deserve this bread maker. It’s the Zojirushi Home Bakery Virtuoso Bread Maker BB (put somebody’s eye out)-PAC20BA. The description reads, “Get performance like you’ve never seen from a bread maker.”

Wow. This must be one hell of a bread maker. Will it play Beethoven’s 29th while the dough is rising? Should we invite friends over for this great performance? It retails for $325.00. Does she deserve it? You decide. If not, I’ve got a bread maker taking up room in my kitchen. You can have it cheap. Just make me an offer. Really.

Want to add something exotic to your mom’s life?  Try a wok. According to, here’s what you need to know before you buy a wok:

Flat or round bottom? (We’re talking about the wok here, not your mother.)

Cooking on your stove? Go for flat. If your sweet, elderly mother prefers cooking over a flaming pit in the backyard, go for rounded bottom.

“Size matters. Restaurants may use woks that are several feet across.” (So, that’s the secret ingredient?) They suggest going with “your own preference.” Ignore this insanity. You should buy what a stranger prefers.

Let’s admit it. We have reduced the wok to a high-sided frying pan. Your mother prefers PF Chang’s (and their gluten-free menu), over your sorry attempts at Chinese cooking. So, just take her there instead.

PLEASE, buy her a Keurig, the Darth Vader of coffee makers. (Brew dark roasted, Luke.) You certainly don’t want Mom using the Mr. Coffee that has been working perfectly well since the Civil war. The Keurig offers her single servings. Yes, she can accomplish the same thing with putting less coffee and water in an ordinary coffee maker, but it doesn’t look as cool sitting on her counter. Everyone who is anyone has a Keurig. For once, your mom could be hip.

There is a fancy blender, called The Magic Bullet. Forget it. No Mother’s Day gift should have the word “Bullet” in it.

Fondue pot. Your mom had finally tossed that orange fondue pot from 1972 and, BAM, fondue is cool, again. Imagine friends chatting and laughing around a pot full of warm melted cheese.

Yeah, well, she remembers fishing out bread that fell off those skinny forks, strings of cheese all over her new tablecloth, and the days it took to scrape burned cheese off the bottom of those pots. She fell for it once; she’s not falling for it again. Fondue pots may be a shiny silver now, but the woman says, “No. Thank you.”

Ooh, how about a sandwich grill? It takes the drudgery out of making grilled cheese sandwiches. Toss away that spatula. With a sandwich grill, you won’t need to do the time consuming, back breaking work of flipping a sandwich ever again

I hope my Mother’s Day gift guide has been helpful. If you ask me, the best deal is my slightly used bread maker. If you don’t mind Santa-covered paper, I’ll throw in free gift wrapping.

Carol Wilber Bradfield

Carol Wilber Bradfield is one of those "Lake People." She snuck into Davidson many years ago when someone left the gate open one night. If seen, please approach carefully and give her a hug... and cash if you have it. Lots of cash. Thank you.

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Head’s Up: Mother’s Day is Coming

by | May 4, 2018

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