DON'T FORGET TO LAUGH

“63 Secrets to Better Orgasms.” This Cosmopolitan headline slapped me in the face as I was innocently standing in line at Food Lion, holding my Silk, avocados, and Tostitos. Are things now really so ridiculous? This may officially make me an old fogey. But this headline is so wrong on so many levels. Allow me to rant.

First, how freaking inappropriate is this? (Yes, I catch the irony that I am also talking about it.) Pity the poor parent who must answer her child who wants to know why there are “63 secrets to better organisms.” Does one correct the child? “No, sweetie, that’s ‘orgasm’, not ‘organism.’ ”

Certainly, children deserve the truth on healthy bodily functions. But really, is the check-out line at the grocery store the place to do it?

Media has already dumped a mountain of garbage on young girls. They must be pretty, stylish, and SKINNY. Do they really need to grow up wondering if their orgasm is as good as it could be? Do any of us? If you feel the need to explore this issue as an adult, seek a professional. Just don’t give females another reason to question themselves or be competitive. “My orgasm is better than yours.” “Is not.” “Is too…na na na na na na.”

And just what does this lovely headline say about our society? While women all over the world work tirelessly just to survive, we are so privileged, we get to worry about the quality of our orgasms? Forget starvation, death, and destruction, let’s go for multiple orgasms. It sounds like a bad episode of the “Twilight Zone.” A town is discovered where life is so easy, the women’s only worry is climaxing better than the night before.

Perhaps these women just need a fancy Orgasmatron, like the one featured in Woody Allen’s movie “Sleeper.” While the hubby is away playing golf, she can step in and turn the dial up to 11. Ta da.

Is there a trophy for the woman who sees the most fireworks and hears trumpets blaring and would swear the earth moved? Why does anyone need a better orgasm? What’s wrong with the ones you have now? Who the heck came up with 63 ways to improve it? Doesn’t that seem like an awfully large number? (No, I will not buy the magazine to find out.)

Don’t misunderstand me. Everyone is entitled to enjoy sex. (That is if you are married and your sexual partner is your spouse.)  I’m sure Adam and Eve enjoyed some fun romping around the Garden of Eden. And we may presume their sons and their wives…oops. Never mind. Anyway, sex is normal and there is nothing sinful about orgasms. It’s the 63 ways to a better one that has me tickled and miffed.

It sounds like a good topic for the old “Newlywed Game.” “Gentlemen, would your wife say her orgasm is: Okay, Good, or Out of this world.” Of course, all the men answer, “Out of this world.” The wives come back in, and no one scores because none of the answers match. Uh-oh, trouble in paradise

Then good ol’ Bob Eubanks announces “Bob and Sheila, here’s your grand prize, chosen just for you as today’s winner of the Newlywed Game, an Orgasmatron. Yaaaaayy.”

Thanks for allowing me to vent. I’m happy to say I have found a solution to this issue. From now on, I’m going to order my groceries online and pick them up outside, where I am safe from the Cosmo.